Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I view myself and my worth. I’ve been comparing how this has changed for me over the years also. I realize I allowed other people to define this for me, specifically the presence or lack of a significant other.
I recall allowing other people in middle and high school to make me feel bad about myself. I spent a lot of time trying to mold into what I believed certain people wanted to be friends with. And when it didn’t work or I was taunted I’d put myself down. I remember thinking “I’m ugly, no one sees anything in me anyways.” I almost turned it into a fact in my mind.
I felt that if I wasn’t desired by another person it had to be true. For some reason that was always the reason I came up with as to why people didn’t like me. As if other human beings could just tell when you haven’t been romantically loved. It was absurd to think in such a manner. I never even knew of anyone that had a crush on me in public school and for some reason it was so important to me. But why did that matter?
As I got older I realized that I really needed to stop imagining that if one special person liked me that I was worth something. I already had special people who did that. I had some friends and most importantly my family. And I wonder to myself, why was it so hard for me to see that when I was younger? Is it hard for other young people now? I wish I had seen myself as worthy with the love I already had. I wish I had learned that other people deciding they didn’t like me was not a reflection of my worth or importance. I hope another person can see this and realize that the love they have right now is enough to feel good about yourself. And that lack thereof from another person or group isn’t the end of the world.
Eventually I met my first boyfriend and it was amazing. I didn’t feel the need to change into someone else. I knew he liked me already. There was no pretending and it actually scared me a little bit. It might seem dumb to rely on other peoples affection in order to reassure yourself but I constantly reminded myself that I shouldn’t be afraid to be myself with this new person because I am already loved for who I truly am.
Long story short, I’ve been dating that same guy for 3 years and have been friends with him for 4. He is now my special person I wanted so bad. The person I felt I needed or I wasn’t worth much.
And he reminds me constantly that I am worth the world on my own.
-The Broke Artist